Loving yourself is the hardest thing you can do...

Having dealt with depression most of my life, I never realized what it was like to love myself until a few years ago.

I knew how to hate myself, that I had no problem with.

There was this year, between the hospital and then therapy, that something clicked in my mind. I was seventeen, and really sick of just being sad.

I knew there wasn't a way I could just turn off my depression, it would always be there, but maybe I could divert it.

Here are some things I learned in therapy, and some stuff I learned after therapy.

1. Learn what you like about yourself: One thing I could remember that I liked about myself back then was how much I liked writing. I wrote a few pieces every now and then, but I was proud of them because I had written them.

2. Learning to give myself a break: There's no harsher critic than yourself. In school, I felt as if I had to be the best at everything. When I wasn't, that's when all the dark thoughts and feelings came creeping in, so I had to learn to tell myself...It's okay.

3. Learn who the enemy is: Depression is the enemy. It is this black dog trying to keep you down, trying to make you feel as if you're the only who feels that way.

4. Love: It could be loving to write, or falling in love with a person, or fall in love with storms. Whatever you can find, love it, and hold on to it. I really love writing, and hate leaving stories unfinished. I fall in love with my characters and with the thought that only I could finish their stories. That keeps me going most days.

5. Learn your goals: If you have goals...you have a future. My goal is to be a published author, and I think about that everyday. I write to work towards that goal.

6. Love yourself: There are some things only you can do. Think about this world without you, think about all that people that love you, and can't live without you. I can't really tell you how to love yourself. One thing that worked for me, was looking at myself in the mirror in the bathroom and saying it out loud. Say out loud things you love about yourself, and eventually you'll start to believe them.

I'm writing this during a thunderstorm, so I'm going to spend my day indoors writing my new story, and drinking tea, oh and listening to the Grease Live and Legally Blonde The Musical soundtrack, it's amazing!

Hope you guys have a great February, filled with love and happiness!

Rebeca xx

To Save You is Live!

It's January 12th, and To Save You, my second book is now live! You can get it here!

I started writing this story about a month and a half ago, and I guess I wanted to incorporate a little bit of what I went through as a sixteen year old.

SPOILERS. I won't write about specifically goes on in the book, but I will write about the experiences I went through and wrote about in the book.

Depression affects millions of people everyday. I've read many stories where the guy tries to save the girl from herself, and in my story, what makes it different, is that he can't save her. Mathew admits that he can't do it alone.

I remember being sixteen, and I had spent the last few years just tangling people into my web of lies. A lot of my friends knew I hurt myself, but nobody said one thing because I had manipulated them into thinking it was nothing. I just liked cutting myself, and it relieved stress. I made them think, well, as long as she's not trying to kill herself, she's fine.

I surrounded myself with the wrong people. I was so unhappy, and there was nothing I could do to bring myself out of it sometimes.

Presley had tried to kill herself one time, but she instantly regretted doing what she did. I took that from a real life experience.

I was probably twelve or thirteen, I remember that I was in middle school. I had gotten into a fight with my mother, it was summer, and I didn't want to go back to school. I just thought everything would be better if I was gone.

I took Excedrin, these migraine pills, and I took about a third of the bottle. I laid down on my bed, ready to die. Then something clicked in my head. Dying wasn't the answer.

I started to throw it all up. It took a few days, but eventually I started to feel better. I never told anyone about my almost overdose, they just thought I was really sick. It was the scariest time of my life, and I was twelve!

Another thing I wrote about that happened in my life, it was religious parents. My parents are religious, especially my mom.

I was raised a Catholic, went to church, but around eight years old, I started to question faith. Whether you believe in God or believe in nothing, that's your choice, I won't judge you.

I felt religion was being shoved down my throat. That's when I stopped going to church, I would throw temper tantrums, and my parents would leave me at home. I know it crushed them that I was no longer going, but I had made my choice.

I know a lot of friends that have gone through this. Whether it be going through it as an eight year old, or a eighteen year old.

Now I am a healthy 19 and a half year old! (today is my half birthday)! I wrote this book as a tribute to all those broken people out there, even the healed people.

You have to fix yourself and love yourself before you can start loving anybody else. No one can save you but yourself.

I hope you guys enjoy the book, I worked really hard on it.

xxRebeca

50 Facts About Me

Good afternoon readers!
It's Sunday and I've spent half my day just watching YouTube videos, and I was trying to think of an idea for a blog post. Finally, I managed to get to Katie Joslin's YouTube and I saw she recently posted a video listing 50 facts about herself, and I thought it would be a fun way to get to know me! Do subscribe to Katie, she is awesome and I really love her channel!
Enjoy!

1. My name is Rebeca
2. I'm 19
3. I graduated high school in 2013
4. I used to be part of a social media street team called the A-Team (not named after Ed Sheeran's song). I would spend countless hours tweeting and spreading word of upcoming artists, and it's where I met some of my closest friends (TOMI)
5. When I was in 6th grade I won tickets to a Chris Brown concert and I went even though I did not know more than three songs of his.
6. In January, I won tickets to see Fall Out Boy and Paramore in concert, it was amazing cause it was like a birthday present since my birthday was the next day after the concert.
7. For two years I suffered with intense stomach pains, got constantly misdiagnosed, and turns out it was gallstones the size of golf balls. I am no longer a proud owner of a gall bladder.
8. I'm obsessed with music, I will spend countless hours on itunes searching for new music or new artists, or if I hear a song on a TV show, I will shazam it and learn everything I can about the song and the artist.
9. I suffer with Bipolar disorder type 1, and I have severe anxiety. It's really hard for me to keep friends because I get really irritated, and I will come up with reasons as to why I no longer want to be friends with them and I will cut off all contact.
10. I love Big Brother.
11. I've met Selena Gomez!
12. I once waiting twelve hours outside a venue for a 5SOS concert. Five words: Freezing cold and worth it.
13. I saw One Direction and 5SOS at Soldier Field in August!
14. I plan to be a writer.
15. I am currently a hundred pages into my novel... (:
16. I truly believe in doing something you love. I quit my job at a retail store because I was so depressed and it was an abusive environment. 
17. I am really good at doing hairstyles, I did my hair for prom along with my friends hair.
18. Braids are my specialty! I learned how to french braid in physics class, I sat all the way in the back with my friend, and I would just do her hair until it came out like I wanted it to.
19. My longest friendship has lasted about 11 years or so.
20. I became close friends with my bully in sixth grade, she would pick on me, but I would also get revenge. It was a love hate relationship.
21. I've never had a boyfriend.
22. I don't want kids, I've never seen myself as the mother type. But I love my little niece Sophie!
23. I'm an atheist.
24. If I have something to do like go somewhere to get something, I will spend days getting ready and planning everything out.
25. The worst feeling in the world for me is when my legs fall asleep.
26. I love concerts, but recently with my anxiety worsening, I have to be a bit far away from the crowd because I will start panicking.
27. My favorite show of all time would have to be How I Met Your Mother, but it's close with Grey's Anatomy.
28. I cry with emotional movies or shows or trailers or videos! But other than that, I'm usually a composed person.
29. I'm obsessed with serial killers, when I was going into my senior year, we got to talk to an ex police chief who helped catch John Wayne Gacy, the highlight of my summer.
30. I didn't learn to drive until August 20th, 2013. I was terrified of the road and honestly, I hate being in control.
31. I got my license October 1st. Couple of days later, I drove all the way to downtown Chicago to go meet YouTubers.
32. I've met O2L, Andrea Russett, Anna Russett, and Jennxpenn, Ryan Beatty, MKTO, The Summer Set, The Cab, Paradise Fears, Rocky Loves Emily, and Frankie Grande
33. In 2012, I think, I met my friend Jack, a drummer who I had subscribed to on YouTube, at a Ryan Beatty concert. Later, I convinced him to get on Twitter!
34. I thank @TheDylanHolland for introducing me to my best friend three years ago via twitter!
35. My favorite bands right now are Misterwives and TwentyOnePilots.
36. I will be seeing both those bands in October.
37. When I was home sick, Willow Shields, AKA PRIMROSE EVERDEEN, tweeted me to feel better.
38. In June I met one of my friends from the UK, and it was a surreal experience!
39. Also in June, I also made the transition from Samsung Galaxy to the iPhone. I love my phone.
40. My favorite movie is ALL OF THE HARRY POTTER MOVIES.
41. I love reading.
42. I have over 300 books in my kindle, um, no I have not read them all, most of them were free.I have an obsession.
43. First book that ever caught my attention was To Kill A Mockingbird
44. First book that I read outside of the classroom that caught my attention was Perfect Chemistry, the Wake Series, or The Hunger Games series, my teacher recommended them all to me.
45. In my Lit Seminar my senior year, I finished all my assignments in about three weeks, it was a reading class and I read fifteen books in that class. This was also around the time I got my Kindle.
46. I never really ate McDonalds until I was like eleven. My parents hated eating out, so it was a treat when we would go to any fast food restaurant.
47. I love Hot Cheetohs, I will never quit them.
48. I hate ketchup and mayo, and salad dressing. I'm the pickiest person ever.
49. I once forced myself to try and train myself to eat and like mayonnaise on my sandwiches. I threw up three days later.
50. Lastly, I'm allergic to seafood.

I hope you guys liked this! It was fun having to try to come up with things, there were a lot of things I forgot, haha.

Have a good day!

-Rebeca