Letter To My Younger Self

Dear Younger Rebeca. This is you. Rebeca. But at almost 21 years old. I'm still 20.

You have done quite a few of these. Letters to yourself. All of them have been school assignments, and be honest. You never took any of them seriously.

But this is me...writing a letter to you...aka me... No grade in the balance. Just a one on one talk for you and me.

Here we go...

Dear younger self...

Your life right now is going...GREAT. Funny because I'm sure at your age, I didn't think I would even make it to eighteen.

After everything you will be going through/ and have already gone through... your life will get better.

But it will suck a little bit at first. Don't worry though, this is where I come in and say, you will get through it. Hell, I'm living proof of that.

Here's how it's going to go...

You will grow up seeing your parents fight...all the time. It will ruin your perception on love. YOU will fight with your sisters ALL the time, you all have the scars to prove it. It will ruin your relationship with them until you're an adult, but don't worry, your relationship will get way better.

Both of those things will pass, eventually, but it will affect you for the rest of your life, sadly.

Your anxiety starts around four years old, it's minor. Mom and Dad don't think much of it, no one does. But surprise, your anxiety right now is here to stay.

You feel as if you don't belong, even at such a young age, even in your family. But don't worry, one day there will be a time where people accept you BECAUSE you don't fit in.

Your anxiety is tied to the fights in the house, and you start to stay away from people. Including your family. That's when the depression starts.

School is the only time you feel...happy. But even then, with the anxiety, it's hard for you to open up to people, especially strangers. Making friends is hard, so you make acquaintances. Making someone your friend was hard, and it will devastate you when your friendship ends.

You make your first real friend in third grade, the nicest person in class, and you're still friends to this day, even if you don't speak that much anymore.

I'm going to give you some advice that I wish I had back then.

Don't be jealous of your friends. They are all going through their own battles, you don't need to put them up on a pedestal. That is how you end up hurt.

Don't be afraid to feel. Don't be afraid to cry. Don't be afraid to express your feelings and how you're feeling at certain moments.

Who is it doing good if you're keeping everything inside?

You'll have multiple break downs before you're even a teenager... But these breakdowns are secret to everyone else but your family.

It'll all make sense one day...

Middle school was the hard years. Looks meant everything. You put too much powder on your face in sixth grade...You put too much eyeliner in seventh grade. I know you'll think it looks good then, but take this from me, it'll only make your skin worse. Oh. And in eighth grade...DONT GET BANGS.

Thirteen was an extremely hard year.

You will meet who you think will be your best friend forever. But truth is, she will teach you the worst habit of your life. She'll encourage you to hurt yourself, sometimes during class just to get the adrenaline. She'll make it a competition, and you'll soon learn that it's not okay.

You'll know what it is...and I know it will feel good, and almost painless, and you will feel the relief. Just know that it's temporary, and your body doesn't deserve to be covered in scars like that.

This bad habit will go on until the summer after graduating. You graduated three years ago, so you've been three years clean.

Now we're in high school.

A new school puts a strain on friendships, and you grow apart from people you thought you'd know forever. It will break you, for a moment. Then you will meet knew friends, become even closer with people who you didn't let yourself become close with in middle school.

You will go through high school in pain, not just emotionally, but internally. Don't worry, the doctors will EVENTUALLY figure out what it is. You'll end up with a scar on your stomach, and although it looks horrible at first, it will grow on you.

And as for the emotional pain, you'll try and get some help. But after forty minutes of talking, you'll decide that you're just not ready to come to terms with what could be wrong with you. But you'll also learn that it's not your fault.

You will lose friends, people in your class, and it's a specific persons death that forces you to go into out patient treatment for your emotional problems. You will meet people in treatment, including a specific person that you will never see again and miss everyday, she will be your best friend in there, and these people will change your life for the better.

You will miss a month of school, three weeks, and a week of spring break, but you will learn what you have.

And it will all make sense.

When you come back to school, it's like the sun is shining directly at you. And girl, you're getting a tan. The cloud over your head is no longer there.

Though sometimes you feel hurt, and sometimes you will feel depressed, you no longer think of the Last Resort. Because, everything you've been repressing, it's coming out. Including happiness. And all of a sudden, you'll feel happiness like you've never felt it before.

But now you're also feeling sadness, and anger, and so many feelings you didn't know you COULD have. And for once, it's a good thing. Because now you know how to deal with it.

Now you're more outspoken in school and especially at home. Your relationship with your parents will improve significantly, and your younger siblings as well.

Although it's still hard, you manage. At least now you are acknowledging it, it's there, and you're dealing with it.

Dealing with it means that you've pushed the toxic people out of your life. That includes one family member. One that held a lot of resentment over you.

You cut her out of your life. For a year. Then she grew up, she was becoming a mother, and you haven't had a fight since. It makes me want to cry just thinking of all the fighting you used to do, and now you go over to her house all the time, and watch her kids, who you love so much.

You will go to community college for a year...and it will not work out. You leave school to work, and write.

Now you have five books out. The most recent one is doing exceptionally well, and you're very happy about it. This could be the book that gets you noticed.

You are an assistant manager at a pizzeria, and you are thriving there. Although, what you want is to be a writer. And I am working really hard to make that happen.

Things will try to break you, people will try to hurt you, and you will want to wish you were never alive. But you will heal, get strong, and realize that life is precious.

I am twenty years old right now. Four months shy of being 21.

Everything is really great right now, and these are the words I live by:

Everything will be okay in the end, if it's not okay, it's not the end.

I know I could have used those words when I was you, younger Rebeca. Because there were so many times I wished that it was the end, and now I'm so glad that I didn't choose to make it the end.

I love you. Love yourself. I know it's hard, but I know you can do it.

Signed,


            REBECA XX

Loving yourself is the hardest thing you can do...

Having dealt with depression most of my life, I never realized what it was like to love myself until a few years ago.

I knew how to hate myself, that I had no problem with.

There was this year, between the hospital and then therapy, that something clicked in my mind. I was seventeen, and really sick of just being sad.

I knew there wasn't a way I could just turn off my depression, it would always be there, but maybe I could divert it.

Here are some things I learned in therapy, and some stuff I learned after therapy.

1. Learn what you like about yourself: One thing I could remember that I liked about myself back then was how much I liked writing. I wrote a few pieces every now and then, but I was proud of them because I had written them.

2. Learning to give myself a break: There's no harsher critic than yourself. In school, I felt as if I had to be the best at everything. When I wasn't, that's when all the dark thoughts and feelings came creeping in, so I had to learn to tell myself...It's okay.

3. Learn who the enemy is: Depression is the enemy. It is this black dog trying to keep you down, trying to make you feel as if you're the only who feels that way.

4. Love: It could be loving to write, or falling in love with a person, or fall in love with storms. Whatever you can find, love it, and hold on to it. I really love writing, and hate leaving stories unfinished. I fall in love with my characters and with the thought that only I could finish their stories. That keeps me going most days.

5. Learn your goals: If you have goals...you have a future. My goal is to be a published author, and I think about that everyday. I write to work towards that goal.

6. Love yourself: There are some things only you can do. Think about this world without you, think about all that people that love you, and can't live without you. I can't really tell you how to love yourself. One thing that worked for me, was looking at myself in the mirror in the bathroom and saying it out loud. Say out loud things you love about yourself, and eventually you'll start to believe them.

I'm writing this during a thunderstorm, so I'm going to spend my day indoors writing my new story, and drinking tea, oh and listening to the Grease Live and Legally Blonde The Musical soundtrack, it's amazing!

Hope you guys have a great February, filled with love and happiness!

Rebeca xx

2016 & Resolutions.

Hello Everyone! It's the second day of 2016. Which is insane because I could have sworn we were just starting 2015!

Here's a recap on what happened in 2015 for me:

• I got promoted at work (Many raises$$(I love my job, don't just do it for the money))
• Released my second book called To Save You!
• Did taxes for the first time by myself!
• Bought my first Polaroid (:
• Had a new niece named Vanessa!
• Saw and met Halsey! Along with camped out on the freezing ground and also saw Sam Miller from Paradise Fears there.
• Became obsessed with the sky. Check out my instagram for the pictures I manage to capture!
• Got my first tattoo!! They're blackbirds, maybe I'll write a post about them soon and what they mean to me. (:
• Turned 20! And had a lot of fun on my birthday with friends and family<3
• Had a fun day playing with my coworkers when the power went out. Which included singing, playing soccer, throwing a football, and drinking Slushees.
• Wrote my third book.
• Released my third book called Broken Pleasure!
• Got my first review!
• Wrote my fourth book.
• Released the fourth book! It's called Broken Perfectly!
• Became friends with authors<3
• Read some really good books! Which I will also be making a post about my favorites.
• Was a Zombie for halloween!
• Opened the store for the first time by myself!
• Started writing my fifth book!(;

Now it's 2016 which means another 366(Leap year) days for 366 new adventures. Not every single day will be exciting, but I will do my best to keep to my resolutions, and have fun, and not stress out as much.

Here are some of my resolutions for the new year!:

• Give up soda entirely. Not caffeine, I can't do it without my occasional teas, plus I don't drink coffee or energy drinks because it makes my stomach upset.
• Start a YouTube channel where I want to weekly vlog.
• Get more people to notice my writing.
• Release a thriller/mystery novel.
• Travel to New York and LA, or Oregon, or Seattle. Maybe even Utah. Or the UK. Just travel! Already planning a trip for my 21st birthday in July!
• Get a new car! It can be used, but just something a little better than my 2000 Ford Focus that is always breaking down and has trouble on the snow.
• Go to a book convention!
• Create more connections in the book world.
• Take a road trip.
• Take more photos of the sky!
• Take photos when I'm with friends, family, or just alone. Take photos and document this year.
• Love.
• Be Happy.
• Be more charitable (already have a few plans for that).
• Be present.
• Eat healthier.
• Give up fast food entirely by the end of the year. Or make it only a treat like one a month.
• Try new foods. I took this quiz on buzzfeed, and I only eat 30 of the 90 foods listed. I am the pickiest of eaters.
• Say yes!
• Keep my car clean.
• Do one thing that scares me everyday.
• Get help for my anxiety.
• Write a few more novels.
• Save money.

And the last thing is a resolution many people have. To exercise. To lose weight.

I am currently very unhappy with the way I look, and with what I weigh. My eating habits are horrendous from barely eating one day to binging the next. And it doesn't make me feel good and I'm sick.
Literally sick. All the time. I can pretend I'm fine, but I can feel my health declining and it's not a good feeling.
I've been a member at a gym for the last six months, but have only gone once. And I was in the hospital yesterday. Since april, I've lost six pounds. Not a lot, nothing at all, but it kind of gave me the push, and the will to say...I can do this.
I want to lose 100 pounds by the end of the year. Thats 365 days from now. I won't beat myself up if I don't make it there. If I can get to under 200 pounds, I will be happy with myself because it's been 3 years since I was that weight.
It's time to put my gym membership to good use. Time to face reality. Time to make some progress, and just stop putting it off and lying to myself.

Anyway, I hope you guys had a good start to the New Year. Make the best of it. <3

-Rebeca xx

Broken Perfectly...

"When we're broken we like to believe that if maybe someone just hugs us tight enough we'd be put back together." -Rebeca Ruiz, Broken Perfectly (out soon).

As humans, we are not invincible. We are not immortal, we are just mortal. It doesn't take much to break us, and I just don't mean physically.

I am almost done writing Broken Perfectly (it finally has a title) and it has made me learn so much about myself.

Often people ask me why I have such dark writing, and if I need some mental help. Because what kind of person writes about heartbreak, or car accidents with near death experiences, or suicide, or rape victims, or death?

I write about these people because these people exist. Not just in my head but in the real world.

I know that there are people in the world going through heartbreak, dealing with a loss of a loved one, post traumatic stress disorders, depression, suicide attempts, or just surviving whatever they are going through. They are all out there.

I do my best to do my research, make sure I get everything right, making sure I get their stories right.

I have known people to suffer through depression and convince themselves that they are okay. I have known people who isolate themselves for fear of being hurt, and push people who love them away.

I have known someone to take their life because they were just so sad on the inside, I have almost been that person.

My characters thoughts sometimes come from me and what I was feeling when I was eleven until I was sixteen.

If there's something I want my readers to take from my writing is that everyone deserves a happy ending. It will come in it's own time, you just have to keep going.

It doesn't matter if you're a 'broken person' because broken people eventually find the person who will keep them together, that will help those wounds heal. Maybe it will be a boyfriend/girlfriend, maybe it will be your best friend, maybe it will be a stranger that you meet for one night.

There's no such thing as too broken in my book. You are who you are for a reason, and therefore broken perfectly.

Broken Perfectly will be out soon, it's a continuation of Broken Pleasure, Ryder and Scarlett's story. Here is a little summary, some spoilers!:

Ryder and Scarlett are both engaged. Not to each other. To other people that they have decided to commit to.

Willow's wedding is bringing up old feelings and issues that were never dealt with. Keep in mind, Scarlett is only in town for a few days, then she's running back to her home back South.

Will they finally have their happily ever after, or will more heartbreak and fear keep them apart?

xxRebeca

Alone

Sometimes I think it's odd that I could spend my whole day in my room, and that I find it comforting to be alone.

If you ask my parents, I've always been an independent child. I guess independent is another word for stubborn. If I didn't want to do it, I didn't do it.

Some people may call me selfish because I won't do something unless it benefits me in some way. I think all people are like that, is there such thing as a selfless person? No. People always have a reason for doing things, whether it's to make them feel like a better person or to help them gain something.

I could go days just staying in my room, writing, listening to music, or just watching YouTube videos. Call me a hermit(?).

Over the last six years I have found myself not talking to people I used to talk to because I felt the friendship was over. I ended the friendship, broke off all contact. I believe in clean slates.

To be honest...I have less than 10 friends, that's being generous. Maybe 2 or 3 who I am extremely close to, even then not as close as the closest of friends, and the rest are acquaintances. And I am perfectly okay with that.

Being alone is something I'm good at. Nobody to be disappointed in me or have any expectations for me. I can be who I am.

This sounds a little sad. But I'm not sad. I am happy with my decisions, happy with who I am close to, and I am happy just being.

Have a great day, wherever you are.

xxRebeca

Music is the reason I write.

I can remember ever since I was little that I have always loved music. I mean, who didn't?

I grew up in a Mexican household which meant music was always playing when we woke up, when we cleaned, and especially when we had social gatherings. Spanish music always has a story to tell, they were descriptive and allowed my imagination to flow.

I kind of moved away from spanish music, and I started getting into my own music. Kelly Clarkson, Britney Spears, NSYNC, and many more.

In my head, I could create stories, stories I would dream about at night. I liked to sing (even though I was terrible at it) and I liked pretending to be the lead of my stories inside my head. My imagination was wild.

The first time I wrote was after reading Twilight in middle school. I think I was in eighth grade. I wrote and wrote, at least I tried. I wrote in complete silence because that's how my neighbor wrote her amazing stories.

I wanted to write amazing stories, too. Like the ones in my head that I got while listening to music. I didn't write for a long time after that because I thought I wasn't good enough. Every story I tried to write just ended with me saving it and never looking at it again because I got blocked.

One day, while listening to Thriving Ivory, I was driving to my friends house to pick her up to go to class, I just had this story pop in my head. I remember grabbing my phone and opening the voice recording app, and I recorded myself just saying words.

I didn't really have a story. I had an idea. I still remember the words that I thought of that day. Car accident. Coma. Scarred body. College. Unhappiness. Save Me.

I could even imagine the place where the car accident happened, I had a place in my town that inspired it.

This all happened before I wrote my first book. I pushed the idea aside, and I'm glad I did because it really let me think about it for about a year. Scarlett and Ryder talked to me in dreams, they developed and finally I just had to write about them.

I wrote about them with a few songs in mind, including the song Unhappy by Thriving Ivory, one of my favorite bands.

Now I don't write without a music playlist. Music helps my imagination, it helps me write, and I absolutely love it. Sometimes I'll write a scene with one song on repeat just so I don't lose idea in my mind.

Now, talking about Scarlett and Ryder...I released Broken Pleasure last month, and I am very proud of it, though the idea of anybody reading it makes me feel ill. I did get my first review on it a few weeks ago, and you can get it here.

I hope you guys like it(:

xxRebeca

A milestone...turning 20

I turned 20 this last weekend, on Sunday to be exact.

This is it.

The end of my teen years. a moment I never thought I was even going to get to.

What am I now?

I'm no longer a teen. Not technically an adult, that's 21. It's scary, now I feel like I have a bunch of things I have to get done.

Boyfriend?
Marriage?
Children?
Real job?

I mean, this is sort of the beginning of my life, the last 20years have all been in preparation for this.

But you know what?

Fuck it.

I'm going to do what is necessary for me to be happy. Whether that be writing or finding a great guy to be with. Whatever I need to do.

Sorry that it's been two months since I wrote anything, but I promise (like I always do lol) I'm going to do my best to write more on here.

And sorry again for the shortness of this post, promise to write more soon.

Inspiration

Music is where I get most of my inspiration. I know some writers HATE listening to music while writing because it makes them distracted, but not me.

I thrive from tunes coming from my headphones. Sometimes I just need something to keep me still long enough on my computer to actually write a scene. Other times, it just fits the plot so perfectly that it sends me into a frenzy to write before I can forget everything!

I have a playlist on my Spotify where I can just press shuffle and any music coming at me I can write to. If you would like to listen to that playlist, you can press here.

My music doesn't fit every scene I write, but it sure does keep me thinking about what could be.

Well, today I wrote this thing for my new book that's coming out July 12th! I'm using a new technique to write my book, first writing half of Scarlett's chapters, and then working on Ryders. This is what came from Ryder today:

“Well I have had to work hard in my life, it hasn’t always been kind to me.”

“Life making you go through obstacles is being kind to you because only those who struggle know true happiness.” Her eyes widened at my deep words.

“How can you have such a good outlook in life? Not every college senior has their life together like you.”

“Trust me, sweetheart, I don’t have my life together. I have a few pieces and for now I’m content with that.” I watched as she bit her bottom lip, thinking about what I’ve said.

“You should be a motivational speaker if being a surgeon doesn’t pan out.” I laugh.

“I’ll make a note of that.”

I hope you guys liked that, I know I enjoyed writing that. (:

Take care,

Rebeca x

Inside the mind of a hypochondriac...

When I was fourteen, I started experiencing sharp pains in my stomach. Little did I know, that pain would change my life as I would not be diagnosed for another two years.

For a year, I'd get the pains, and the time between them would be closer and closer. All my doctor said was to record when they would happen.
I still remember the routine in which they came. I would eat dinner, around 4 in the afternoon, and I would have a night time snack so I could go to bed around ten or so. That's the routine I had growing up, eat when you get home, eat before you go to sleep. The snacks at night would usually be milk, coffee (it made me tired instead of energetic), and cookies or bread to dip in our drinks.
Dinner was whatever my mom made, which was Mexican food, since we were Mexican.
So I'd go to bed, and I would wake up in a night sweat, and in severe pain, right where my sternum ends. Every night like clockwork. It was get pain, stay awake for a few hours holding myself, trying not to cry, and then forcing myself to go to the bathroom and puke. Then I'd cry myself to sleep, the pain would cease then.

The doctor looked at my notes, and just wrote it off as heartburn. They gave me some heartburn medicine that did nothing. I went back after a month, like she said, and she accused me of not giving the medicine a chance.

Take in mind that I was fourteen, this pain was a stabbing pain, when I had it, I could not move if I tried. I may not have been a doctor, but I'm sure heartburn doesn't make you want to die. It sounds drastic, but that's how I felt. I begged God, or whoever was listening, to take my life because it hurt so bad and it was so constant. I get sad thinking about it now, but it's true.

The doctor would give me medicine, tell me to lose weight, tell me to suck it up, recommended I avoid certain foods. I took the medicine, I avoided all foods, water gave me pain as well, I was losing weight quickly because I wasn't eating.

If I did eat, I would sit in a chair, straight up, for hours. I wouldn't move. I wouldn't sleep until it had been at least four hours since my last meal. That helped. Sort of.

Finally, my doctor referred me to a gastroenterologist, a doctor who specializes in the gut or whatever. She scheduled me for a endoscopy soon after I finished my freshman year of high school, and by then I was taking antacids by the handful, ibuprofen, Maalox, and Tums were my best friends at night.

After the endoscopy, they told me they saw a little inflammation, but nothing to be worried about. The surgery triggered something inside of me, and I felt okay. I felt amazing. I was still afraid to eat or even nibble on food, but the pain stopped.

But as I went back into my old routine, the pain came back in a few months. It felt almost worst. I would crawl in a fetal position, I would be falling asleep in classes or at home on a chair. I started losing more weight, I couldn't wear tight clothes, it triggered it. Everything irritated my stomach, exercise, food, and even the medicine I was taking.

By this time, the ER had seen me so many times in a month. I could tell they were sick of me. They kept telling me I had GERD, also known as heartburn. Nothing was working, I would cry at the hospital, I felt like no one believed me, at one point they thought I was pregnant, another time, I had a full blown panic attack, I couldn't sit still, I couldn't breathe, and they did an EKG cause they thought I could be having a heart attack.

The doctors weren't helping, so I looked on the internet. That's when I guess I started to become a hypochondriac, I couldn't take it not knowing what I had. I started thinking I had cancer or appendicitis or liver failure, I definitely thought I had pancreatic cancer, I even started making plans for when I died.

It was scary, and one day after school, the second week of school during my junior year, I had some Mexican food because my stomach was starving, I had had pain all week at night, but I was just really hungry.

It was about an hour later when I started to feel the familiar pain. I had this chair that I could curl up and sleep on, and on my table I had ibuprofen, I was up to eight a night, Maalox and the tums, oh and a big bottle of water.

I kept passing out from weakness, two hours after I ate, I threw up everything. Even though that usually helped, it didn't that time.

It was six in the morning, after a restless night of passing out from the pain and weakness and hunger, I stopped my dad before he could go to work. I had to go to the hospital. I had never had the pain last over three hours, and now I was going on thirteen hours.

The ER was empty, took them five minutes before they called my name. My blood pressure was low, I was pale, and cold.

As soon as I had an ultrasound to see if I had appendicitis or gallstones, they gave me the great stuff. Morphine. The pain was numb, and I slept for an hour before they told me I had gallstones and I needed my gallbladder taken out some time in the near future. That it could wait until I had a break in school.

Then they kicked me out and sent me home, with another prescription for heartburn. TO HELP they said.

I made it home, and an hour later, I couldn't take it. The pain had come back, but my dad had gone to work and my mom didn't drive, so I had to wait for him to get back around four o'clock. The pain was so bad, I almost called 911, but I forced myself to wait.

And when we got to the emergency room, it was packed. It was four hours before they took me in. I was shaking severely, and crying for those four hours, begging for them to take me in, but all they did was give me a blanket.

Finally around eight, I was taken into a room, where they told me I would be having surgery later that week. I got my gallbladder taken out two days after that, and according to the doctor and the pictures, they were the size of golfballs. My laparoscopic surgery ended up with me having to be opened, and I cried after, and not because of the pain.

I felt that my doctors had failed me, and wrote me off. They could have caught it earlier, and now I can't trust them.

I avoid doctors at all costs. It's been a while since I've been to one, and to be honest, I'd rather google a symptom than go to their office.

After my surgery, I started to Google every symptom whenever I had any. Whether it was a simple cold or I sneezed weird.

My two year illness took such a severe toll on me. I tear up whenever i think about it. It's sad.

My parents always write me off whenever I feel sick. They think it's all in my head, and it is. I know that it is.

When I get a headache, or a migraine, I start thinking I have a brain tumor. If I find a new freckle on my body, I think I have skin cancer. If my stomach is upset, I obsess over what I ate. Sometimes I think I'm having a heart attack when I have a panic attack over my breathing.

I know that I over think of what I can have. Right now, I think I have cancer, but I'm too afraid to go to the doctor for fear that they won't believe me. I have to talk myself down because living in fear is not fun.

I lay awake at night feeling my chest for bumps in case of breast cancer, and I cry. I'm afraid of accidentally looking over a symptom. I google every health related way I could die at the age of 19.

It's hard. People make fun of me when I get frazzled talking about my health, they think it's funny that I think I'm going to die because of a spot or a headache. It's terrifying to think that I'm going to die.

I wasn't like this before my health scare. Through therapy I've noted that I have OCD tendencies, and that made me susceptible to hypochondria. There are articles about this, maybe I have it, maybe I don't. Hypochondria is hard to have because it's hard to believe yourself.

I don't know...

I just felt like I had to write this post. Maybe it will help some of you. Maybe it won't. Let me know in the comments, or shoot me a message. I'll gladly respond.

To Save You is Live!

It's January 12th, and To Save You, my second book is now live! You can get it here!

I started writing this story about a month and a half ago, and I guess I wanted to incorporate a little bit of what I went through as a sixteen year old.

SPOILERS. I won't write about specifically goes on in the book, but I will write about the experiences I went through and wrote about in the book.

Depression affects millions of people everyday. I've read many stories where the guy tries to save the girl from herself, and in my story, what makes it different, is that he can't save her. Mathew admits that he can't do it alone.

I remember being sixteen, and I had spent the last few years just tangling people into my web of lies. A lot of my friends knew I hurt myself, but nobody said one thing because I had manipulated them into thinking it was nothing. I just liked cutting myself, and it relieved stress. I made them think, well, as long as she's not trying to kill herself, she's fine.

I surrounded myself with the wrong people. I was so unhappy, and there was nothing I could do to bring myself out of it sometimes.

Presley had tried to kill herself one time, but she instantly regretted doing what she did. I took that from a real life experience.

I was probably twelve or thirteen, I remember that I was in middle school. I had gotten into a fight with my mother, it was summer, and I didn't want to go back to school. I just thought everything would be better if I was gone.

I took Excedrin, these migraine pills, and I took about a third of the bottle. I laid down on my bed, ready to die. Then something clicked in my head. Dying wasn't the answer.

I started to throw it all up. It took a few days, but eventually I started to feel better. I never told anyone about my almost overdose, they just thought I was really sick. It was the scariest time of my life, and I was twelve!

Another thing I wrote about that happened in my life, it was religious parents. My parents are religious, especially my mom.

I was raised a Catholic, went to church, but around eight years old, I started to question faith. Whether you believe in God or believe in nothing, that's your choice, I won't judge you.

I felt religion was being shoved down my throat. That's when I stopped going to church, I would throw temper tantrums, and my parents would leave me at home. I know it crushed them that I was no longer going, but I had made my choice.

I know a lot of friends that have gone through this. Whether it be going through it as an eight year old, or a eighteen year old.

Now I am a healthy 19 and a half year old! (today is my half birthday)! I wrote this book as a tribute to all those broken people out there, even the healed people.

You have to fix yourself and love yourself before you can start loving anybody else. No one can save you but yourself.

I hope you guys enjoy the book, I worked really hard on it.

xxRebeca

Another car incident...

It officially feels like winter. Tomorrow will be day two of severe cold conditions, everything is freezing and no one wants to even go outside to warm up their car.

So...it snowed on Monday night..I guess. I had two days off, and I usually just get as much sleep as I possibly can because I work for three days straight for seven hours every night, and then I don't go to bed until four, then I wake up early to get ready for work.

Anyway, back to my story.

I had driven to my friends house, and I realized that my car was sliding whenever I would drive over snow. This is my second year driving in the winter, and I thought "Well, I'm a pro now, I can handle everything."

HAHAHA. Big fucking mistake.

We went to the mall where I went to get my second cartilage piercing, and I was driving back to drop my friend off.

That's when everything went to shit. First of all, I could barely see in front of me because my liquid that cleans my windshield wiper was completely frozen and would only throw out small spurts of it on the windshield, not enough to clean it.

Second, I had to go through suicide circle, this roundabout where I live. I was fine, and I even made it past it before I had to do this small curved turn.

That's when I lost complete control of my car, and to be honest I don't really remember it. All I could remember was that I didn't want to hit these two poles.

There was one pole that I was trying to avoid, and while trying to avoid it, my car slid onto the curb and I almost hit the big pole, you know, the ones with all the wires coming out of it, connected to other big poles?

But my car stopped. Thank god.

I never felt such relief. Then the panic began to set in. I was not going to die, and we were fine, but now my car was stuck in the middle of a snow pile. Halfway in the snow, halfway on the street.

I thought I was going to have to call the police, get somebody to pull it out with a tow truck. We were getting ready to call my friends brother to come help us when this kind stranger came up to my window, his wife or girlfriend saw the whole thing go down.

He asked if I needed help, they had watched me struggle trying to get out of the snow pile. I was pressing the gas pedal in reverse, but my car wasn't budging.

I got out of the car, and let him figure out how to get my car out. I watched for a few minutes, and he had managed to get it halfway out, but I was still pretty stuck.

He told me to get back in my car and press the pedal in reverse and he was going to push. I did as told, and WAHLAA(?)! My car reversed out into the street.

I thanked him, and then he literally went off in his car. I wish I could have thanked him properly with like free pizza, I work in a pizzeria, or something.

That was how my Tuesday went. Now I'm sitting all cuddled up in my blankets because it's negative two outside, probably four now, and the wind chill is like negative fifteen.

I hate winter.

Stay safe out there you guys.

xxRebeca

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year, good things are to come...

Hello readers! Sorry that I've been a little MIA these past few months, so many things have been happening in my life, I just forgot to blog. Don't worry though, I'm back, and I'm going to my best to upload a post every week, maybe sometimes twice a week!? I don't know, it's going to be a new year in seven days, and we're just going to see what happens.
First things first, Merry Christmas and if you don't celebrate Christmas, happy holidays! And a happy new year...
2015 is just around the corner and I just have this feeling inside my gut that it's going to be a really great year.
So I'm going to catch you up a bit on what's been going on since October...
1. I published a book through Amazon KDP publishing, it's an ebook and if you'd like to grab it, you can get it right here! It is 99 cents, and I really hope you guys like it.
2. I saw my favorite band TwentyOnePilots. I can't even tell you how excited I was about it! I remember crying at one point. They were so good, also saw MisterWives, and they were amazing as well. I'm hoping to see them in March, so fingers crossed!
3. I saw Aaron Carter live with one of my best friends from Iowa! I drove down to Joliet, Mojoes, and then we slept over her grandmothers house, who by the way makes the best eggs and bacon. Usually I don't like eggs, but I can never get enough of them at her house.
4. I went to my friends grandmothers house for Thanksgiving, and I had to learn how to drive on the express way, which is freaking terrifying, but at one point I was going 80-100 mph. I also only got lost for half an hour, compared to other times, that was not as bad! haha
5. Oh! I got contact. I still wear my glasses only when I have to go somewhere in a hurry, but I've been wearing contacts, and I'm really excited about them.
6. I got a new laptop, I invested in a Macbook Air, and I just have to say that it is the best thing to buy. It's just so light and so easy to use. I still have my Dell, which I love dearly and have tons of stories on.
7. Speaking of stories, I'm almost finished with my second book! (: It is called To Save You, and it's based on the brother of the girl in the first book. You'll get some answers to In Your Arms, and things are very suspenseful i think. You can preorder it here! It is 1.99, and it comes out January 31st, maybe a bit sooner if I can finish it soon and quickly.
Well, I think that's it, I hope you guys are excited about the upcoming year just like I am. Enjoy your holidays!
xxRebeca

Paying It Forward

I'm a big believer of doing everything you can to help someone and putting good thoughts, feelings, and actions out into the world.

I grew up in lower middle class, at one point in my life, I remember living in a basement with cockroaches and mice, and it wasn't our first home with those problems. I know what it's like to want something, but not asking for it because my parent's cannot afford it, even though they would do their best to give me what I want.

When I moved to the town that I live in now, I remember feeling left out. Sure we lived in a house, but I felt like that girl who came from a poor neighborhood all the time. I never really had dolls, I got my first doll when I was about nine, or something, and it was a Bratz doll, and I wanted it because my neighbor had a ton.

Over the years, I've learned to appreciate what I have. I often travel to Downtown Chicago, and I used to get sad all the time from seeing homeless people. I still get sad, but now I've chosen to do something about it.

I always carry a lot of spare change in my bag, mostly because I hate using it and it just accumilates. Every time I go to Chicago, I just give it to homeless people.
I know some of you may say that, I don't know if these people are going to buy drugs for themselves, or what they're going to do with the money they get. That's true, but I have faith in people.
Also, I often eat out in Chicago, and sometimes I get food at the train station or on the way to the train station. I always buy extra, and I give out food to the homeless.
It's always rewarding to see how happy they get when I offer them food. That's one way to ensure they're not going to spend the money on something bad.

What inspired me to write this post today was this video

It represents how one action can influence another action, and it can just keep going and going. Paying it forward. It really doesn't matter how big or small this action is, it's just the fact that you do something to keep it going.
I hope this put a little light in your day. Enjoy your Tuesday.
-Rebeca x

October Photo Challenge

Today me and my friend Myriam were talking earlier and we decided to make up a photo a day challenge for October since Fall is our favorite season! We came up with ideas and we'd be happy to see others do it as well. It doesn't have to go in order, feel free to change it up and make it your own!

Follow us on instagram: MyriamHarveyy

beckylove64

We'll be posting our photo a day challenge on there! Hope you enjoy (:

My First Car Accident.

I've been driving with a license for almost a year. Not once had I ever gotten into an accident while driving, I am the most careful driver ever. I pull over if I need to call someone or text, or I wait until a red light to take a bite of my food. I am the driver that lets people pass and I follow the speed limit, and I never tailgate.
I often drop my sister off at school and today I decided to take the long way back since the parking lot was full with parents who were in a hurry, and weren't going to let me turn a certain direction because of the long line.
I live right next to the school, and I ended up right in front of the biggest parking lot, and they stop traffic there to allow cars to come in and out. The police handle the traffic there especially because a lot of kids walk to school.
I took my sausage mcmuffin out of the bag and I took two bites. I put it down on the seat and was getting ready to start going, the car in front of me was being a bit slow. When suddenly, I felt my car get hit, and my car moved forward along with my body.
It took me a second to realize that I'd just been hit from behind, and I wasn't sure if the person who hit me had been hit as well, and it had become a domino effect or what. I was so angry and I was afraid. I was getting ready to get out and yell at the person, but cars started to beep, so I turned into the school parking lot and had the guy follow me.
Once parked, I realized that it was a high school kid. A junior (he was wearing class colors, juniors are yellow). He looked mortified and I realized that he was just scared like I was. I calmed down and I got out of my car.
I looked at my car, terrified of what I would see, but thankfully it was only a scratch on the paint job, no dent or anything. I didn't even care about the scratch, my bumper paint has been coming off, so I could care less.
he asked me if I was fine, and I was just shaken up like he was. I got his information, and he asked me if I wanted to call the police. I thought, for what? It was a scratch and we're both fine. I told him it was okay, but I had to talk to my dad because I needed to know what he wanted me to do and I had his information in case I wanted to file a police report later.
My dad said as long as I got his information, and the car was fine and I was fine, there was no need to call the police.
So I let the kid go, but not before I asked him what happened, and why did he bump into my car? He seemed to get a bit nervous, and I had a feeling I knew why. He said he moved his foot off the brake, and didn't realize it because he was trying to find a way into the parking lot.
He got distracted.
We all get distracted. We're all human and we make mistakes I understand that. But distracted driving accounts for a lot of accidents nowadays. Check out these statistics I got from Distraction.gov

Distracted driving is any activity that could divert a person's attention away from the primary task of driving. All distractions endanger driver, passenger, and bystander safety. These types of distractions include:

• Texting
• Using a cell phone or smartphone
• Eating and drinking
• Talking to passengers
• Grooming
• Reading, including maps
• Using a navigation system
• Watching a video
• Adjusting a radio, CD player, or MP3 player

In 2012, An estimated 421,000 people were injured in motor vehicle crashes involving a distracted drive.
But, because text messaging requires visual, manual, and cognitive attention from the driver, it is by far the most alarming distraction.

Five seconds is the average time your eyes are off the road while texting. When traveling at 55mph, that's enough time to cover the length of a football field blindfolded.

That last statistic is the one that scares me the most. The fact that people text and drive, is just completely terrifying for me.
When I drive, I put my phone in my bag on the passenger seat. I know there are apps that stop you from texting and driving, and now the insurance companies have rules about it, and also it is very illegal (at least in Illinois) to be on your phone while driving.
There are also many organizations that bring awareness to what texting and driving can do. A text is not worth your life. The text can wait. Please think about it the next time you get a text while driving, don't look at your phone.
- Rebeca x

Sexual assault is not okay.

There has been buzz going around Sam Pepper's latest video (which has now been taken down from YouTube). If you didn't see the video, it is of Sam Pepper, pretending to have his hands in his pockets (has a big hoodie on) and when the girl turns around to give him directions, he pinches their butts and pretends it's not him.
The girls look confused and a bit horrified that someone touched them, I know I would be. Some of them laugh it off, but you could see that they were clearly uncomfortable. Those advances were unwanted.
Some people bring up the point that the girls laughed, they understood it was a joke, and obviously they were okay with it. Laughing about it doesn't mean anything! I laugh at the most inappropriate times, and I laugh when I am uncomfortable. Laughing doesn't mean that it was okay to do that to someone.
Sam Pepper has 2.4 MILLION subscribers, and unfortunately this isn't the first time he sexually harasses someone on camera in public. There have been kissing "pranks", lasso "pranks". Notice I put prank in quotation marks because it's not a prank. It isn't funny to the victims of his pranks.
Sex Educator Laci Green wrote an open letter to Sam Pepper, and many fellow YouTuber's responded, wanting to be a part of it. The community has spoken that this is not okay for people to do and make a profit from.
If you want to read the letter, you can press right here. Over 60+ YouTubers have signed this letter addressing Sam, and there have been over 80K reblogs on Tumblr. Sam Pepper is now disinvited from VidCon and Playlist Live.
There have been video responses like JamesChats (he does a great job addressing this) and many more calling Sam out, and I am glad because he should never be able to get away with this, no one in general should EVER get away with it.
If you are a victim of sexual assault, report it or talk to someone, I highly encourage you. It is never okay for someone to touch you without your consent, you are a person and you have rights.
Thanks for reading this guys, Go TEAM INTERNET!
-Rebeca x